today,
i'm really v upset & down.

hais.
i really suck in volleyball ..
idk how in the world i could even get into the main 6.
now most probably i'll be replaced by linette.
well it's better for the team anyway,
i'll obviously pull the whole team down ..
today,
coach was disappointed.
not only in me,
but the whole C girls.
but i think the one that was most disappointing was me.
i'll skip to the bad part.
well, it was service.
i couldn't serve over the net no matter how hard i tried.
i don't know what's wrong with me!
it's like.
i can't do it,
or i don't want to do it.
i don't believe i can't do it,
and i want to do it.
so,
what seems to be the problem?
I DON'T KNOW,
i was v upset.
we started serving against the fence w seniors helping.
i still couldn't do it.
after too short a period of time,
coach wanted us to serve over the net.
i couldn't.
but i was really unlucky,
or lucky, i guess.
everytime coach looked at me and expected me to serve over,
i failed.
when he wasn't looking?
i passed.
i passed,
apparently it's due to luck.
so am i lucky or unlucky?
i don't know.
coach called us to gather,
we sat.
i didn't dare to look up at him,
i was on the brink of crying.
he was talking talking talking,
saying he was disappointed and all that.
then i heard.
"stella leh? 你开球开了三十分钟还开不过! huh? what have you been doing for the past half an hour? you've wasted 半个钟头, you can never get it back."
then i cried.
well nobody noticed,
i was curled up in a ball with my head on my knees,
and i cried.
i got up,
noone noticed still.
we went on to spiking,
he'd throw the ball to gwen who'd set,
and we're supposed to spike.
i couldn't do it.
i tried twice and i totally missed.
i saw the look on coach's face,
i read this in that look:
disappointment.
then i started crying.
then peiwoon was asking,
"what happened to you?"
i answered v softly.
"my leg v pain .."
then i totally,
broke down.
after a few really bad tries,
it was my turn again.
i was spilling out tears by then.
coach finally asks:
"你什么事? 脚痛啊?"
then i v reluctantly nod my head,
i didn't want him to know,
or worry,
but i guess he didn't give a damn about his students well-being.
he told me:
"脚痛就不要玩."
then i stood at the side,
crying and crying and crying,
coach's face, stress, and everything else tormenting my mind,
i couldn't help but cry.
i was still crying when i walked out with gwen,
still crying when i was in the car.
it was the first time in years that i'd cried to my mum,
and it wasn't concerning her.
i haven't cried in a long time,
i'd been bottling up my feelings since forever,
i really couldn't stop.
the tears just came out,
it was like an open tap.
everytime i thought of coach's disappointed face,
i'd start crying all over again.
i didn't tell him my leg hurted,
i didn't tell him my arm hurted,
so obviously he didn't know.
if i told him,
would he think i was weak?
okay forget it.
actually,
pressure's the main problem.

i really feel like giving up,
to get myself out of the team's way.
it's like i'm burdening them with this loser here.

(can i die,
just die,
since nobody'll notice,
that this useless loser's gone?)

it actually feels kind of ..
nice to release everything through crying.
you don't have to say a word about it to anyone,
just cry,
everything'll be fine.

though my eyes hurt like hell now,
im fine,
i feel so much better.
though everything's still bottled up.
(thanks people who cheered me up, it helped ^^.)

it's been a long week,
im really glad it's over.

oh and,
xw says that he likes another girl.
i don't care actually.
who he likes is none of my buisness,
because i can't do anything about it.
i like him,
but i don't expect him to like me back.
because i know im not worth it,
his attention,
his love.
as long as he's happy,
im happy.
(oops it's getting mushy.)

i'm tired,
my eyes've been exercising too much.
it kinda like,
sweated too much.
okay.
i'll go think about what i said.
why i'd cried,
why i'd bottle everything up.

bye.